Dear Americans and others,
Greetings. I am the letter W, hitherto pronounced /double u/. I am writing to you from my home outside of Bangor, Maine. I am not in the practice of writing missives, or anything for that matter. In fact, I am the first letter to write anything to anybody, but don't get the idea that us letters don't have rich inner lives. Beacuse we do! The affairs of humans are of generally little interest to us. I do occasionally watch "That 70's Show" but other than that, I am content to aid in the spelling of words.
For several years now, I have heard my name being perversely used to refer to the current president of your country, George Walker Bush. I paid it no attention. I've seen it all. But recently I got around to searching on Google for his name. Did you know that this 'Dubya' (typing it now makes my serifs crawl) authorized illegal spying on his own people? I read it on the internet! In addition to that, he waged a war on a sovereign nation because of a personal vendetta. Go to the internet. It's right there! Tens of thousands have died. Could this really be the same country where Kelso and Hyde valiantly duel for Jackie's affections?
The more I read, the more embarrassed I became. How could my name and image be used to describe such a cretin? Why I even read on the internet that he eats live chickens! I'm a nice letter. Ask anyone. I don't eat live chickens. I don't eat anything.
From what I can tell, this guy was basically given the keys to Western Civilization, then turned around and sold it for parts. I hear he's not even a good speaker. How could this happen?
I simply cannot allow my name to be affiliated with such a man. But yet, I am powerless against his mighty PR machine. I'm just a letter and as they say, you can't fight city hall. Therefore, until such time as this George UUalker Bush leaves office or otherwise fades into the midst of Google's cache, my name henceforth is pronounced "Double Vee".
I apologize for any confusion or extra work this move may cause.
Sincerely,
