The Rag - If you're lucky it won't make sense.

From The Diary Of An Ego Waffle

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 13:34:07 -0500

March 24, 1999
Frozen solid. I share a plastic bag with seven others. We live in stacks of four. They're kind of like family, though none of us know anything about family. I'm second from the top. It's completely dark most of the day. Nothing much to see anyway. Things don't change very often around here. But when they do, they change for good. It's best not to get too attached to anyone or anything.

except your immediate neighbors, who you're probably stuck to anyhow.

I'm stuck between two others. Three more are piled next to us. The six of us have it pretty good. our bag is sealed and our community intact. The plastic is thin, like a potato chip bag. But it's enough to keep us moist. Outisde the bag you won't make it long. It's the worst kind of desert out there; a frozen desert. I saw a tomato shrivel up right in front of my eyes. I couldn't loook away. I was mesmerized by the horror. (full disclosure, I have no neck.) Ice cubes get left outside all the time. The funny thing is that the ice doesn't completely evaporate, like you think it would. There's something left over after all the water's gone. I don't know what it is. If your ice dries up your dead. About the only thing that can live outside a plastic bag is a hotdog. They have tough skin, those hot dogs. Even hotdogs dry up someday.

A Socratic Dialogue On The Iraq War

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 16:19:11 -0400

Ethan

Invading Iraq was the right thing to do.

Percy

Only if you want the wrong thing to happen.

Ethan

I make a point and you act like a smartass? I don't think that's how a Socratic dialogue works.

Percy

I don't know how they're supposed to work. I never studied classic Greek thinkers.

Ethan

I think Socrates was a Roman.

New Revenue License Plates Hit State Of Georgia

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 19:01:52 -0500

Anyone can tell you Florida is the top dog in the revenue license plate scene, boasting no fewer than one hundred different revenue plates, but if 2006 is any indication, the future of revenue plates might be in Georgia. Here are our favorites.

The Knights Templar: What I Learned From The History Channel While Crocked On Nyquil

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 23:55:19 -0500

It’s well known that after the Crusades in 1314, the once mighty Knights Templar fell out of favor and onto hard times. In fact, all were believed to be executed. Those who at least temporarily escaped were forced to abandon their mercenary/warrior lifestyle, go into hiding, and pursue other lines of work.

The large bundles of treasure amassed by the Knights enabled a natural transition into banking for many of the former knights. However, many had little to no financial aptitude at all and so furthered other interests. One group cultivated a vineyard and wine bottling business. Unfortunately, their prize wine Gethsemane Rosé attracted unwanted attention by the authorities. The bottling company was closed, the vineyards were burned, and the proprietors slain.

Op-Ed: Invest In Hybrids For Our Future

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 14:12:28 -0500

On the average, women need about 1500 calories a day. Men need 2000. (These are actually kilocalories which are once, twice, 1000 times the calorie.) I had a pet snake once. It ate one rat a month. I don't know how many calories a rat has in it. I'll leave this as an assignment. But I'm sure it's less than 60,000, unless you're really generous with the hollandaise. Snakes are much more efficient because they derive their body heat from a combination of food and rocks mounted with electrical heating elements. On the other hand, human beings and other mammals regulate their own body temperature. This cannot last. Maintaining your own internal body temperature solely by metabolizing carbon based food is expensive. The population is exploding. What happens if the food runs out?

Walt Whitman Cloned By Mistake

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 16:44:24 -0500

Researchers at SUNY, Stony Brook have confirmed rumors that they have cloned Walt Whitman. But, the researchers add, the cloning is unintentional. "We get clones of Whitman all the time. It seems like every time we start replicating DNA samples, we end up with a partially working copy of the great American poet. It's kind of weird," explains Albe Knutt, Professor of Biochemistry. The cloning phenomena has also been oberved by scientists from Cornell, Columbia and Tulane. Whitman died in 1892.

"I work with forest mold. I collect a lot of mold DNA. I'd say about 40% of the samples I collect are contaminated with strands of Walt Whitman's complete genetic code. I understand he's from Long Island, but I don't know how his DNA got all over this forest," continues Dr. Knutt.

Forsyth County Objectivist Society December Meeting Minutes

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 16:02:09 -0500

December 11, 2005

Members in attendance:
-Mike Lemmons, Ann Krocka, Simone Fairweather, Max Binswanger, James "Righty" Wright, Peter Loes

New Members
- Vlad Voynich, Peter Alliance, Arlene Picchoda

Agenda Items

Snack Policy
- All members must bring own snacks.
- Sharing not forbidden, but not encouraged
Philanthropy Initiative - Great Homeless Smokeout
- Ann: outsourced Smokeout duties to North County High Objectivist Society. No feedback yet. Assume homelessness is being eradicated.

The Rag Toilet Network Now Enrolling

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 23:55:49 -0500

Heaven means different things to different people. For Buddhists, heaven means not having to deal with this nuissance we call existance. Christians, at least 'round these parts, think heaven is some place where you get to play with your dog again and go fishing everyday. Jews receive a detailed printout of every bad choice they ever made, then go live in a gated community where no one messes with them. But everyone agrees on one thing, heaven means never having to flush a toilet!

Luckily you don't have to die or even believe in a higher diety to experience the flush free lifestyle. All you need to do is enroll your toilet in The Rag Toilet Network. Read a transcription of what these members had to say:

W Speaks: a Letter from a Letter

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 12:54:12 -0500

Dear Americans and others,
Greetings. I am the letter W, hitherto pronounced /double u/. I am writing to you from my home outside of Bangor, Maine. I am not in the practice of writing missives, or anything for that matter. In fact, I am the first letter to write anything to anybody, but don't get the idea that us letters don't have rich inner lives. Beacuse we do! The affairs of humans are of generally little interest to us. I do occasionally watch "That 70's Show" but other than that, I am content to aid in the spelling of words.

For several years now, I have heard my name being perversely used to refer to the current president of your country, George Walker Bush. I paid it no attention. I've seen it all. But recently I got around to searching on Google for his name. Did you know that this 'Dubya' (typing it now makes my serifs crawl) authorized illegal spying on his own people? I read it on the internet! In addition to that, he waged a war on a sovereign nation because of a personal vendetta. Go to the internet. It's right there! Tens of thousands have died. Could this really be the same country where Kelso and Hyde valiantly duel for Jackie's affections?